every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
