Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
