We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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