: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
