Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
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There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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