I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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