is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
