I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
