U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
