Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
