naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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