i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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