You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
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The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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