was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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