But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
