you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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