I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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