I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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