I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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