Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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