Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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