i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
