Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.