I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..