pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you