Barsexuality is the new black.
zippers are such a cool invention
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation