My cat gives me a boner
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.