Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I pour the whiskey from now on