my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
