My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
