my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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