my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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