Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
