once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
