Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
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Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize