party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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