dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i think i have herpe
just one?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
