My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
