The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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