I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
