I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
