Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
