So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
