u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
