I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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