apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
