Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
