just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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