Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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