i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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