ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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