this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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