I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
