He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
