Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
