first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
