I bet he comes in French.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
