Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
